How to write a first message

What a first message has to do

Whatever platform you use, a woman who opens her inbox sees a list of strangers. She decides within a few seconds, often from the first line, whether this one deserves an answer. She does not owe anyone a reply, and many women who use international dating sites say they receive far more messages than they can answer. That is the setting you are writing into, and it explains most of the advice in this guide.

A good first message does three things. It shows that you have read something she wrote or chosen to show. It tells her, in a sentence or two, who you are and why you are writing. And it ends with something she can answer without effort. It does not try to charm, persuade, impress or settle anything. Those come later, and they come from the conversation, not from the opening.

The examples below are written in plain English so that you can follow the logic. When you write to someone whose first language is Russian or Ukrainian, the same principles hold, and a few more apply: see the guide on translation tools and their limits.

Before you write: read her profile properly

Most weak first messages come from skipping this step. Before you type anything, read everything she has published: the text, the list of interests, the languages she says she speaks, the country and city, her stated age range for a partner, and what she says she is looking for. Note one or two details that are specific rather than generic. “Likes travelling” is generic; almost everyone says it. A mention of a particular city she wants to visit, a hobby that takes effort, a profession, or a line she clearly wrote herself is something you can respond to.

At the same time, treat the profile as the start of an inquiry, not as proof. A profile can be incomplete, outdated or not hers at all; the guide on video calls explains how to confirm that the person writing to you is the person in the photos. Reading carefully is respectful, and it is also your first filter: if the profile says she wants to live in her own country and you are hoping she will move, you have learned something before you have written a word.

The anatomy of a first message

A short, well-built first message has four parts. You can write each in one sentence.

1. A greeting with her name, spelled the way she spells it on her profile. If you are unsure how to address her, “Hello” followed by her name is safe. Avoid pet names and compliments on her body or looks as an opening; they tell her nothing about you and many women find them a reason to stop reading.
2. The specific detail. One concrete thing you noticed, stated plainly. “You wrote that you teach music to children” is better than “your profile is interesting.”
3. A line about you that connects to it. Not your life story: your name, where you live, and one fact that relates. You can leave the rest for later messages.
4. One question. A single question, easy to answer in one or two lines, about the detail you raised.

Add a simple closing, such as “Best wishes” and your first name. Do not add your phone number, your messenger handle or your email address in a first message. If she wants to move to another channel she will say so. An early request to leave the platform is also one of the patterns that makes people suspicious of the sender, and it reads just as suspiciously when it comes from you.

Weak and better, side by side

The examples below are invented for this guide and refer to no real person. They are deliberately ordinary. Notice that the better versions are not more elaborate; they are more specific and easier to answer.

The first message could be copied and pasted to a hundred women, and she will assume that it has been. The second can only have been written to her. (The name here is a placeholder; always use the name on the profile you are actually reading.)

A long autobiography asks her to read a lot and gives her nothing to answer. You will have time to tell her about your children, your house and your plans. Spread that information over several messages, in response to her questions.

Your caution is reasonable, and the guide on video calls explains how to act on it. But opening with an accusation tells a real person that you assume the worst of her. Say what you intend to do, not what you suspect.

Asking questions that are easy to answer

The question at the end of your message is where most of the reply will come from, so it is worth a moment of thought. Good questions share a few traits.

• They are open but small. “What do you like to do on a free weekend?” invites a few lines. “Tell me about your whole life” invites silence.
• They are about her choices, not her circumstances. Asking about a hobby she mentioned is comfortable. Asking about her income, her apartment or her previous relationships in a first message is not.
• They avoid yes or no. “Do you like cooking?” is answered in one word. “What is the dish you make best?” opens a small story.
• There is only one. A list of five questions feels like a form to fill in.

If she writes in English as a second language, short plain questions also help her answer in her own words rather than trying to decode a complicated sentence. Prefer simple sentence structure, avoid idioms and avoid humour that depends on wordplay. You can use a lighter touch once you know how she reads English.

What to leave out

Length, tone and formatting

Aim for 60 to 120 words. That is long enough to say something specific and short enough to read in half a minute. Use short paragraphs, plain punctuation and ordinary words. Write in complete sentences, because a translation tool, if she uses one, copes better with grammar than with fragments. Skip the capital letters and the strings of exclamation marks: they are tiring to read and some translation tools turn them into something more emphatic than you meant.

Tone is warm and calm. You are not pitching and you are not auditioning. If you want to be a little funny, make a mild joke at your own expense; avoid jokes about her country, her language or her profession. Check spelling, especially her name and her city.

If you would like a second point of view on how a profile text or an opening line reads, the French-language dating blog Rencontres Facile publishes a guide to writing a profile. It is written for a French audience, but the principle of being specific and sincere applies to your own profile as well: she will read yours before she answers.

If she does not reply

Most first messages on a dating platform get no answer, and that is not a verdict on you. She may not have logged in, she may have received a hundred other messages, or she may simply not feel a match. What you do next matters more than the silence itself.

• Wait about a week before deciding that she is not going to answer. People have jobs, children and holidays.
• Send at most one follow-up, short and without reproach. A single line such as “I hope the week is going well. No pressure to reply” is enough. Do not send a second one.
• Do not write the same message again, and do not write to the same woman from a second account.
• Reuse what you learned. If three messages in a row get no answer, the problem is probably in the messages: make them shorter and more specific.

A checklist before you press send

1. Does it contain one detail that could only come from her profile?
2. Is her name spelled correctly?
3. Are there no more than four or five short sentences about you?
4. Does it end with exactly one question she can answer in a couple of lines?
5. Is it free of compliments on her body, money talk and requests to move to another channel?
6. Would you be comfortable if she showed this message to a friend?

Once she replies, the next stage is to keep the exchange going without turning it into an interview. That is the subject of the guide on keeping the conversation alive.